Dealing with Conflict & Negotiation Techniques

How to deal with a conflict 

Whether you are trying to resolve an issue yourself or resolve an issue between two parties, it's not easy!

Reminder that this is a safe place. We respect our colleagues and therefore whenever you handle conflict, you should always remain objective and when required confidential

Also there is a difference of dealing with conflict and then dealing with harassment or bullying. If you need support for bullying or harassment, speak to your line manager, senior manager or HR team. Do not feel you have to solve any of this alone. 

"In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you’ve heard the other side." – Euripides (484 BCE – 406 BCE) 

Yes event the ancient Greeks had to deal with conflict at work (trying to work out how to negotiate between two battling sides). 

Be curious - not furious

You may feel anger or disappointment - just park it. It's not going to help you. Take a walk. You will not win any argument by losing your temper. There is more power in silence.

Millions of conflicts in history show us that anger and violence only cause more issues. Instead find out why this has angered you? Do you feel diminished? Have they hit upon a spot which dents your confidence? Why did you react like this? Tired? Hungry? Stressed? Check in on yourself, now check in on them. Empathy creates learning.

Are they ok or is this a genuine disagreement which needs to be resolved?

What is the key issue and what is the background?

Write down what happened - what are the key issues to the problem or conflict.

What is the background to this? It's often this is not in a vacuum and there have been other factors that could have impacted how they are feeling about a situation or person. Was it a stressful day? Do they do this frequently? 

Problem solving techniques such as the fish bone may help here - Ishikawa Diagram

Is it a difference of opinion or is it a complaint?

Differences of opinions rear themselves because people prefer to work differently, complaints are because the other has been bullying, harassing or putting the other persons safety in danger. However if someone says they have a complaint, take it seriously. It can take a lot for someone to bring something to your attention, so respect the effort they have put in, even if you don't agree with it.

What are the compromise points? What is the minimal win point for you or them?

There are three flavours of ice-cream - Vanilla, Strawberry and Chocolate. There is only one scoop of each left. You both like chocolate. They have an allergy to strawberries. You dislike vanilla. In this situation do you want to give them the chocolate, you both accept vanilla. There is more than one option and knowing where you can consider their needs as well as your own makes it more favourable for everyone. What if you offer chocolate, they decide to share some chocolate sauce for your vanilla? Is this how battles are won?

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them. – Thomas Crum 

Now how to respond...

1. Model Neutral Language or as I like to say "Take a breath before you respond"

When people are in conflict they often use inflammatory language such as exaggerations that escalate the issue or conflict. 

Try objectivity instead. We have all heard "This has never worked!!"

An objective and measured response would be "We have a good record for 10 working days now and have not recorded any instances of it not working since then, however if there is feedback on how the product is not working for you, please let us know so we can deal with this issue" 

2. Separate the person from the problem or "Have a go at empathy".  

When you view the problem as a specific behavior or set of circumstances rather than attributing negative feelings to the a person or scenario, it can change how you behave. It doesn't mean you have to excuse someone's bad behaviour but understanding a bit more about them, their frustration and putting yourself in their shoes can also help find a solution. "Their tone is always so direct, they're demanding too much. I hate it!" could also be seen as 'I struggle to be spoken to directly like that, they are not aware of my workload. I can see that they are equally as stressed'. 

3. Work Together 

Each person eventually has to stop placing blame on the other party and take ownership of the problem. One of you has to take the first step and offer to make a commitment to work together, listen to each other and ultimately solve the conflict. "We both want to get to a position where this is working for everyone"

4. Agree to disagree. 

You should acknowledge that each person has a unique point of view and rarely agrees on every detail. Being right here is not what is important. They say the truth can set you free, but when it comes to conflict, it's actually a trap that binds you to the conflict.  Agree that not everyone sees it all as the same and get past it.

5. Focus on both of your futures

In conflict we tend to remember every single gripe and disagreement and everything that has ever bothered us about that person. People in conflict need to vent about past mistakes and offences, but they often dwell on the past and once you're stuck there, it's hard to find a way out.

One of the best ways to take ownership of the problem is to recognise that regardless what has happened in the past, you need to ignore it, create a plan to address the current issues and be proactive about the future so it doesn't happen again.

6. Be creative. 

Finding a resolution to the problem that satisfies everyone requires creativity and hard work. Be careful not to give in simply to avoid conflict or maintain harmony. Agreements reached too early usually do not last. Generate alternative options to begin thinking “outside of the box” of original positions.

7. Be specific. 

"We're talking about this, not that" It can irritate people who wish to throw in every bit of shade or upset into a conflict, however when problem solving be very specific. For example if you are using a pre-existing contract or agreement to facilitate the discussion make sure that everyone fully understands each point that is written down. Don't throw in internal terms, anacronyms or abbreviations, be really clear what you are referring to and that everyone understands. There's no point winning an argument on a point when both of you are thinking of different things.

It's also a good point to pick up on any responsibilities here, who was ultimately leading this, who did they delegate it to? What parameters were they working to as well? When did things happen?

8. Keep it confidential

Always encourage others who are in conflict to deal directly with the person they are in conflict with if they can and just them. Don't be that person who cc's in their manager, unless it is for sign off or agreement. This just creates stress and anxiety for the person receiving it, plus if they are right, you've just shown your manager that you're in the wrong. Sending a well written and considered text or email is useful for when there are contractual issues, but a disagreement around who's responsible for watering the office plant is best had in person, over a coffee and in a neutral area. 

9. Kick em with Kindness

Stick and stones etc but no one is going to rain on my parade. Do you honestly know you are in the right? Great. Move on. Let them have their little rant and then give them a smile, head off in the knowledge that you are a wonderful person, you're actually pretty good at your job (because you have read to the bottom of this and that shows you care) and that their anger at you doesn't matter at all. Next!!